Have you ever watched Chris Rock’s stand-up comedy? He walks in and out of stage oozing unshakable self-confidence. This, combined with his mastery of his craft is enough to leave you with goosebumps. Yet, internally, this is what he describes:
‘’I had this great combination of big ego and low self-esteem … and the ego gets you out onstage, but the low self-esteem is the thing that makes you practice so much because you don’t believe in yourself at all. You think you’re a total (****) fraud …’’
Bruce Springsteen said something similar …
I have been curious as to how people define self-confidence, and when I ask around, people mention something along the lines of ‘’walking into a room and the people in the room feeling their presence and power’’, ‘’looking like they know everything’’ and ‘’having all the answers when questions are directed to them’’. This made me ponder about how this view of self-confidence appears to focus on how one is perceived externally, and not how one feels internally.
‘’Care what other people think and you will always be their prisoner’’ Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher
My experience on the path towards my own self-confidence paints an interesting picture. I used the various Integral Coaching tools and techniques that I work with and eventually stopped shrinking myself in various situations and started taking up my size. What was interesting, initially, was the overwhelming self-doubt I experienced after a situation where I stood my ground. As it persisted, I had a conversation with someone within my support structure whose insight was an ‘aha!’ moment for me. He said ‘’…self-doubt is always around. Nevertheless, it important to keep speaking up, because if we do not, we remain at the mercy of others’’.
… self-doubt will always be around…
As explained in this article, high levels of self-doubt have been found to be a common theme among many successful leaders, especially women. The article further explains that these people achieve success despite reporting that they experienced self-doubt. The key message here is that they did not let the self-doubt sabotage them. In some instances, and if well managed, self-doubt can motivate one to keep growing.
It seems that, on the one hand, there is ‘being self-confident’ and on the other hand, there is ‘looking self-confident.’ Being self-confident is much deeper. It does not mean absence of internal or external conflict and challenges. It is more about trusting in your abilities to manage these. It is about showing up fully even in the face of difficulty, be it difficult emotions (like self-doubt) or difficult situations. About having faith that you can figure it out. Figuring it out could mean thinking it through, and seeking help by asking others who may know better than you. More like embracing the notion that things are resolvable.
This is more in line with the Latin origin of the word ‘confidence’, which translates to “to have full trust”
The journey towards being self-confident involves:
- Self-acceptance: own your humanness. This includes embracing the difficult emotions (like anxiety, self-doubt, and fear) and your mistakes, and finding a way to manage these using the several tools and techniques recommended by Integral Coaches. Do not ‘fall into a paddle of contempt when you mess up’’
- Self-knowledge: Improve your self-awareness. Know what you know, and what you do not know. As this article explains, we all have our strengths, are average at certain things, and even clueless in others. ‘’Successful leaders focus on leveraging their strengths and managing their average/weak areas so that they do not become a deterrent to their effectiveness’’, says the article.
- Humility: I recommend embracing the view point that you are a part of a whole, as opposed to being the centre of it. With such a frame of mind, you walk into a room with the spirit of Harambee (a Kenyan philosophy meaning ‘all pull together’ to find solutions), rather than putting pressure on yourself to solve all problems.
‘Looking confident’ is also important. However, it seems that it naturally flows from ‘being confident.’ So, instead of using our energy to ‘look confident,’ wouldn’t it be wiser to use this energy to work on ‘being confident’? In this way, your confidence swag has substance in it, like Chris Rock and Bruce Springsteen.
